I often hear from clients that they feel guilt when someone misbehaves with them or treats them unfairly. They feel guilt even though it wasn’t their fault.
Guilt can be looked at in two ways.
- Guilt that is proactive – When you have made a mistake and you feel guilty about your behavior then guilt can act as a driver for changing that behavior.
- Guilt that is redundant – The guilt as a result of self hatred. This is the kind of guilt I’m addressing in this article. This guilt arises due to a tendency towards self blame for everything. Any misbehavior, failure in relationship, infidelity by the partner, injustice by another person makes one feel responsible and self blame ensues for any unfairness shown by others. Anger towards self is also a part of this. There is a feeling of victimhood. “I deserve this treatment as I’m unworthy”.
The focus of this article is on Guilt that is caused by someone else’s mistake.
Why do you feel guilty for someone else’s misconduct?
Is it because you feel safer in feeling guilty than accepting what has happened?
You cannot let go of that incident because you always want Reasons?
Often a person who has low self image feels safer with guilt than putting the blame on the other person. Our culture teaches us that we should not be judgmental or angry. In fact, I feel that people with self hatred can benefit by feeling anger. It allows the focus to shift and healing to happen. Misplaced self blame prolongs the process of healing as the person is not able to discard the self blame and guilt and withdraws into his/her shell. Here’s a link that describes people who have a tendency towards self blame.
You may ask – ‘WHY‘ did he/she misbehave with me? (The ‘reason’ in question)
And you decide not to rest till you find an answer.
Sometimes there are no answers, there are just situations!
Since you cannot figure out WHY something happened ..
or since that person who went away is not there to answer your questions…
or he/she is too self obsessed to think about you, you take the blame on yourself.
You tell yourself – “I’m at fault, that’s why she/he behaved this way with me. I’m the one to blame. ”
Will it not be better if you accept that someone behaved badly with you despite your reasonable behavior and the reasons for their behavior could be varied. Blaming the other person here would help to take away the focus from your own self hatred. However, please remember, blaming is NOT a solution. It is only a road to recovery. Once you blame and are conscious of your anger, you need to Let it Go, instead of holding on to it. Anger is to be felt and released.
However there is one more question that you are likely to Ask-
Why ‘ME’? Why did he/she behave this way with ME? (The ‘Self’ in Question)
Again, you have chosen a wrong question.
Because You happened to be in that place — at that time — with that person…!
It isn’t some conspiracy by universe to make bad things happen Only to you because you think that you are a bad person, a person with defects… a person who doesn’t deserve love, respect ~ ! — All the reasons that you give to yourself to feel guilty.
Instead of feeling guilty … THINK — And TAP on (Apply EFT on)
It was bad.
He/she shouldn’t have behaved that way.
I accept that it happened.
I don’t like that it happened.
But I choose to not take it upon myself.
I choose to place the blame where it should be.
I choose to let go.
I choose to stop asking questions like “why me?”
And Move on!
Because this moment is precious
And I don’t want to waste it by feeling guilty!
An Addition – This article specifically addresses people who have been hurt repeatedly by someone who is not willing to change his/her behavior.